I Am EVE

I am EVE

Not to be confused with an EVE-ning

Not just one night

I'm not EVE-n though I'm with you, I'm with her too

I am not EVE-ventually I'm gonna get it together, just wait for me to finish playing

What are you saying?

Am I not worth you taking a serious look at your life and behavior and say

"Hey I can't let her get away"

I'm patient but I can't wait forever.

If together's not an option then let me know

I am EVE

Not lEaVE and come back tomorrow

EVE is on the edge of bitterness

From a snake bite earlier

I thought Adam had the salve

But he was too busy chasing the bushes

I can't wait until he figures out

They're not going anywhere

and those bushes baby produce...no fruit!

Created To Love (from his perspective)

I am a vessel created to love.
I can’t help it
The world tries to squelch it
but alas love is my calling

To love people, ideals, nature as well as myself
My hearts too big to be put on a shelf

They say I bring joy to those I love
Even strangers have felt the tug
They see me and smile
I’m not quite sure why
Cause every part of me feels like an ordinary guy

But I guess there’s something inside
My eyes cannot see
That keeps drawing people so close to me
It’s a natural thing
You can’t buy it online
It’s the deepest and purest love from God
That’s what you’ll find inside

Not sure how it got there
But I’m so glad it did
I was created to love
And I won’t apologize for it

Yay Love!

Wow love…you came to visit!
I am overwhelmed and so very honored to meet your acquaintance
I did not know I was capable
I truly understand what God means when He says” Love is kind and not self-seeking”
If I had it my way I would take time out of everyday to say ‘I love you’
Make sure you’re ok
Give you hugs
Learn to cook really well so I can serve you dinner… with confidence!

Love feels good
Giving love feels good
And feeling good…feels good
Most importantly loving YOU feels right…the easiest thing I’ve ever done… next to writing this… about you
Thank you…for being you
And allowing me to be me

You say you’re not perfect but forgive me if I just look at your imperfections as signs that you are actually human and not an angel that will leave me soon
If you were perfect you wouldn’t be you and I wouldn’t have anything to do in helping you with in your quest for perfection
What a blessing this is to feel this way
This is living! LOVING is LIVING! Loving feels better than not!

Actively participating in the love in your life whether it’s from a friend, significant other, teacher, minister or puppy is exhilarating!
Love is best when it’s true, honest, unselfish, gentle, forgiving and accompanied by freedom.
I was created to love God and I am so glad you came with the package!

Through Thick and Thin!

(2002)
I came across an old picture of myself. One that 6 years ago I was ok with but then as I became further immersed in “Hollywood” I began to loathe…I was THICK! Yes ladies and gentleman…I was once curvaceous…heck I AM from the midwest!

What’s interesting is that when I first moved to L.A. I was ok with my size…I was a 10…sometimes 11 but I wore it pretty well. I had hips and thighs, yet still had a small waist…praise God! (lol) But what I was faced with as I began to delve further into the entertainment industry (even though I was behind the scenes) is pressure…I was too plain…too thick…just not quite right. Maybe I was so impressionable because I was so young but it really had an effect on me.

So now I am a size 4…hmm… quite an accomplishment some would say. I must admit that it feels good to finally be able to wear WHATEVER I want! I did everything the natural way…eating right and exercising (stuff I surely didn’t do before…at all). But I will say that I miss my curves. I miss knowing that my back side is going to be prominent in whatever I am wearing. (Not sure if it’s healthy to be so concerned with the prominence of that part of my body…as most black women are brainwashed to be but I digress) But hey…now I can wear a half top and my stomach is flat…cool! What was weird for the longest time is going back to Detroit and having my family and friends throw cakes and pies at me like “Girl, what’s wrong with you, you betta eat!” I’m skinny out there, but I’m just right here in L.A. yet 6 years ago I was perfect for Detroit but too big for L.A.

All of this started me thinking…who am I? Why am I defined by my waistline? Some like ‘em thick and some like ‘em thin but what do I like? I have to be honest and say that at first it mattered a lot what everyone else thought. Now, not as much (sometimes I care but I’m working on not). I have learned that I have to do what is best for me and my well being. So if by working out and eating healthy I look like this then so be it but I was always me…even 6 years ago. As a society we are usually so focused on the exterior that we will miss the blessing in a person that is within. Of course there is nothing wrong with looking great on the outside but we must not ignore our inner beauty for it is truly the best and most important part of us. Not sure why I wanted to share this but if it encourages anyone out there just remember that you must love yourself…through THICK and THIN!
(2008)

God Help Us! (Miss you Michael)

First of all, I want to say that I miss you Michael...although I never knew you. I wish I was able to know you not just because of the fame but because you came across as a true person of love and innocence. Your talent was God given and so much more than this world could handle.

I entitled this note "God Help Us" because I truly feel like the last few years of Michael's life have been full of heartache, depression and despair. I imagine that he though very sheltered had a unique connection with the human spirit (a God-given compassion) that we may not understand but spoke to the hearts of many. He seemed to be drawn to the "lowly" people of the world. Those who are suffering in poverty, sickness, etc. What I truly find tragic is that as much as Michael has GIVEN to the world (more than just dance moves and great music) what has he RECEIVED in the last few years? Ridicule, jokes, depressing sighs at the mention of his name because of allegations....not fact! We forgot who he was! I guess this is why Michael was heavy on my heart for some reason and I was moved to write that note last week about him.

Though I am so sad that he is gone...I feel like he can finally be at peace without judgement! He can finally hear the words in the most sincere tone from God, "Job well done...my son". I find it so sad that you have to die before your true life's purpose and contributions can be appreciated. How many times has Mike gone to bed and said, "I just did a concert where people were moved to tears... brought some sick kids teddy bears and sat with them... I just paid these kids college tuition... I just made my friends laugh, etc....YET I am nothing more than a "weirdo" or "possible child molester" to most people! How freakin sad is that folks?!

Hmmm I guess that's how Jesus felt. But does that have to be the case for everyone? You HAVE to let the people in your lives that mean something to you know it! Love them everyday even if it seems like overkill. Stop taking LOVE for granted folks (I speak to myself in this as well). When my grandmother passed in April all I could think was "I can't believe she loved me as much as she did!" I reflected on the smiles and hugs she gave me that I took for granted. We cannot take people and their contribution to the world for granted...no matter on what level. From the janitor to the President we are ALL a valuable cog in this wheel of life. LOVE NOW...FOR THE TIME IS NEAR.

Unrequited

What a feeling
A pleasant disturbance
The closest parallel of life and death

My heart screams through my chest and my ears try to ignore it
Anxiety becomes my caffeine
You are my drug of choice

My fixation is natural Yet to not be with you is un...
My soul grows weary of the desires that fill my head

My mind tells me what I should do instead
But letting go is not an option
Yet neither is holding on

I have never felt hunger pangs that were not satisfied with dinner
But can you… will you…should you deliver?

How can I curse and sing your name at the same time?
Write beautiful poetry and a relational "pink slip" with every rhyme

I hurt, I grieve, I try to believe, I groan cause I can't moan...man 'I gotta go home!'

I trust God and know patience is a necessity but please believe this is so hard for me
Must I deny myself someone else Lord?
This hurts more than before

I feel so ready for the world
Yet I want to be somebody's girl
Yeah I guess that's unrequited…

Eden Love

I want that Eden Love
Like we are the only two people on the earth
And everything in our site we rule

Our love isn't complicated
We can be completely naked in front of each other
And it's natural
I was made for you
And you take care of me
Cause I am your blessing
And you are my king...just below God

It's just you, me, God and the land
We live, we exist in a place so beautiful
That it's been written about
And thousands of years later
People hear about it and wish they were there where we were...in this garden

That Eden Love
That you and me love
That not stressed out type love
Cause if it gets hard love, well we got God and God IS love
And love is all we really need cause God is all we need right, Love?

This Society

Somethings just not right, why does our way of life feel so empty? Am I crazy or is something wrong? Who says that the path for my life must consist of 4-8 years (or more) of college and then a 40-70 hour work week with little to no time to spend with my family or friends? Who says that stress is just a natural part of life? Why is heart disease, 'newly developed vunereal diseases' and cancer so rampant yet no universal health care? Who says that I have to be in competition with that woman next to me for the attention of that man sitting across from me? Who says that becase I'm a black woman I have to be angry, overweight and bitter? Who says that black men have to be thugs and womanizers and that the best part about them is their so called "swagger"?

There is something wrong here! What do I mean when I say "here"? The U.S. This is a society where money is top priority, power comes in at a close second, fame rounding third and family fourth (if that). With a value system like that how can we expect to feel normal? How are we supposed to know what true godly love is when we don't see it on a daily basis? Our tv shows are fully of drama, dispair, and heartache. We see drug commercials for our aches and pains with side effects that give us even more intense aches and pains! People are drugged up on more psychedelic drugs than ever just to deal with the brokeness that they feel but remains "unexplainable".

The explanation, we are in a backwards society! We live in a place that is not condusive to the rearing of a people who's most primary function is to love. We help, we encourage, we give, we care about the well being of others and it's as natural as breathing. But in a society where those valuable things are not valued, where your integrity becomes your downfall, where peace can only be achieved with snorts of cocaine and countless origies, where the idea of love only leaves one to ponder upon the seemingly imminent divorce... (btw, the U.S. has the highest divorce rate in the WORLD!) we will perpetually be in limbo because our sprits are in Zion but or bodies are in Sodom and Gomorrah!

What is the answer? First, we have to educate ourselves on WHO we actually are. We have been fed stereotypes and lies from the media for so long that we actually believe them. Then we have to stop listening when we are being told WHAT to do. We have stop following the status quo, following the 'crabs in a barrel' methodology and help each other. Next, is WHERE do we go? The 'powers that be' will not just let you be empowered in a loving manner, there is some sort of assignment that they must complete that is to kill, steal and destroy the people of God...so we must prepare a place for us to live in God's protection. WHEN are we going to make this happen? When are we going to finally admit that it's not just our imagination, there is something wrong with life as is. The fact that it's 'normal' here to see someone on the street begging for food and someone can ride past them in a Lamborghini and not even think twice about helping that person says that there is an imbalance in our society! A place where a man abandoning his child is more normal than abnormal is out of order. HOW can a place where marriage is no longer sacred but is exploited on television shows and where those people in the limelight are encouraged to have little to no integrity and respect for themselves for the sick amusement of the viewers even when there are children watching. 'Roll models aren't necessary...just as long as they're models!', the media screams! WHY do we need a change...because we're worth it...we are worthy of God's love...its timeout for the madness and the degradation of our people.

To SEE Change...We Must BE Change!

Praise God for a symbol of change in 2008...the selection of President Elect Barack Obama!

I was recently at a game night (a gathering of people to play select board games...an opportunity to eat, drink and be merry!) and just as we were leaving to return home the topic of Barack winning and how that would affect black people in America came up. This was not mixed company...just us black folk ages 25-40 I'm guessing...most with college degrees. There were two differing opinions:

Point 1- Black people are always looking for a "messiah" (hence I said "a" messiah... not "the " Messiah) to bail them out of trouble. (as if Obama was that messiah) "Black people need to just stay off of welfare and go to school and get an education and they won't need a "messiah" was one solution.

Point 2- Black people have it the worst in this country, the solution is not as easy as it seems....Obama or not!

The person whose point of view I listed as "point 1" was a college graduate with possibly a grad degree. He was also a black Republican (he voted for Barack but still had Republican points of view). I completely understand his frustration with the state of black Americans today. You have rappers who are still continuously going to jail and writing songs that are of zero to minimal substance. The music seems to perpetuate the state of the people instead of encouraging otherwise. The attire of this generation of teens and early 20's young people is less than likely going to warrant them a job beyond an inner city street corner. There seems to be more "babies daddies" then there are husbands in the black community so therefore the state of black people in the U.S. is becoming a cause for alarm. Now the question is...Are we to blame for our downward spiral or is someone else? Personally, I feel like it is a combination of the two and a few variables.


The Decline of the Black Family

• We can choose to stop having babies out of wedlock (not through abortions of course). But celibacy is God's answer to birth control! (us)


• Rebuilding from the Crack Epidemic (them...we didn't make crack)


• Male Self Esteem- (them & us) this may seem weird to some that I listed this but think about it. Since slavery our men have been belittled and emasculated always with the threat of death, from slave masters raping their wives to being called the "N" word or "boy" in front of their families. They have been beat down throughout the past hundreds of years and ladies...we have followed suit. We have now taken on the role of male bashing ourselves chanting "all men are dogs"...well as they were being chased by dogs during the civil rights era we were right there to clean the wounds when they got home. Although it seems like when the crack era hit, when black men couldn't get jobs, when women started burning their bras we thought that was a good idea and so we have become "Independent Women". We can now visit sperm banks and we have our own careers and now don't even have time to raise our own children properly (for some) do we think we are better off? Ladies we are struggling and we have to learn that the black male ego is VERY sensitive not just because black men are "trippin" or whatever it's because they have been deprived of something so long that they need their woman to HELP them restore what they, their fathers, grand and great-grandfathers have lost.

The Decline of the Black Community

• Church (us) Churches must remember that it's not the size of your congregation its about what Jesus would do. He fed a multitude...then He spoke about God's word. If we as a church fail to meet the needs of the people how will they clearly hear and know God. We have the power to do miracles in our community but its not going to happen if it's about "keeping up with the Jones'" what's the use of having a fancy steeple if your congregation is full of nearly homeless people?


• Rise and Fly (us) I'm glad you made it out of the "hood" alive with your degrees and your new corporate career but it's not all about you! Have you ever thought that your success now has you in a place where you can and should help someone else? Don't you think that you are being just as bad as the crack dealers killing our people if you lay your head in the suburbs and don't lift a finger to do anything to help anyone else move forward? For those who think that "Well I did it and I didn't have any help so should they!" Let me say that you did not do it alone, you might have gotten by merely on the intercessory prayer of your grandmother. Heck, maybe if it had been solely on your efforts you would be in the same position as all the others. Think about it!

Black people deep down want the best for each other, we are just sick and tired of the statistics. We are tired of seeing our people struggle financially. I feel that though we can empathize with each other to a certain extent there is still little to no room for real understanding of the situation at hand. I think many black people feel that most blacks just complain and don't do the work to get to the next level...that is not always the case. In every race there are lazy people, there are people who would rather have a hand out than a leg up on a situation. I'm not talking about those people, I'm talking about the people who try their best but have not had a breakthrough or those who tried, got knocked down and are now jaded and have completely lost faith. Those who are in the position to help...don't always do it. As if giving your fellow African American "the hook up" is completely out of order....other people call it Nepotism!

The "N" Word (Let's end this once and for all)

So I got a text the other day and the first line read "Vote for Obama". Of course, I'm all on it but just as I am about to send it I scroll past the last line. "Can a Nigga get elected!" My first thoughts are, "Wow I would love to forward this in support of him being elected. Then I think, why does he have to be a nigga?" It's like the first line of the text spoke volumes, it had me feeling good about the fact that a black man that actually knows what it's like to go without, a man that knows what it's like to struggle and triumph, a man who "looks like me" can actually be the President of the United States of America. A place where once upon a time someone that "looked like me" could not vote or legally read a book. I thought, look how far we've come. But not only that, imagine where we can go as a seemingly downward spiraling race of people. What an example of excellence we have in Barack Obama and how awesome it is to witness these days and times! Heck, black people are finally taking politics seriously and getting involved in the system because we now truly feel like things are changing and there is at least a ray of hope...a glimmer of prosperity in the darkness of this society. Then I come to that last line "Can a nigga get elected". I can't explain how deflated I felt, it was like someone sending you flowers and then when you read the card it says "Happy Birthday B****!" No matter how beautiful the bouquet the harsh slanderous remarks definitely take away from the jubilation. All of this leads me to wonder why we as black people continue to use this term.

Some people say that it is a term of endearment and displays a sense of camaraderie but the way it was used in the example above it figuratively put a 40 oz. of malt liquor in Barack's hand and stood him on a street corner. Does that mean that those on a street corner are now "N words"... nope but this is the type of language that seems to be more easily accepted amongst peers without opposition. (Reasons are to be determined) The term "Nigger" throughout American history has always been one of negativity toward black people. It was a word that was designed to express feelings of: anger, hate, disdain and was used with a condescending tone. This label was shoved down our forefathers throats to belittle them and figuratively castrate our men. Fast forward to today, now we have young black men and women calling each other a variation of the label our forefathers tried so hard to escape. Now we see this label as a term of endearment and brotherhood when less than 60 years ago there were people with hoods belting the same phrase with lit torches on someones lawn in Mississippi?! Are we really that naive to believe that every time a rapper uses this term every third line of his song those racists who lynched our great grandfathers aren't having a hearty laugh at the beautiful work they've done as they do back flips in their graves? Don't you think we seem rather comical to other races as we repeatedly defend a term that has so many negative connotations? (I apologize in advance to anyone who might be offended by my next statements, I am just trying to make a point) I have never heard of a person of Latin descent call each other "Wetback" or a gay person defend the use of the word "Fag" or a Jewish person write a song using the word "Kike".

Various "N word" Uses:

Term of Endearment???

• Would you refer to your grandmother as..."My Nigga"?

• If a person of another race used it in an "nice way" is that ok?

• If your black boss referred to you jokingly in this way would you be bothered?

• What if you overheard a mother calling her child that in a playful way...as if that was the child's nickname? Would that be a problem?
  

Used when Angered???

• Men, how do you feel when a woman calls you this when she is angry?

• Men, if your wife or girlfriend called your son this in anger is that ok?

Used in Music and Entertainment???

• How does it feel when people of other races are singing songs with the "N word" in it and they say the word out loud in front of you. Does it matter because they were just rapping the lyrics?

Does any of this matter? Are we so obsessed with desiring control in some area in our lives that we will fight to the death for a word that stomps us deeper into the ground? This is complete and utter lunacy folks! Comedians how can I laugh when you are saying the "N" word jokes in front of my co-worker Jane? She's not sure if she should laugh or not because she knows that I just might hit her in the face if she laughs at the wrong thing! (lol) But honestly, I'm embarrassed not just because Jane is there but because I can't understand why the people that look like me just don't get that the words that come out of their mouth is very powerful and can be very damaging. Those words can perpetuate a mindset of inferiority amongst our people. It will make us think that you can become the President of the United States but in your own people's eyes...you're still just a Nigga!